4 Inconspicuous Reasons Why You Keep Dwelling on your Traumatic Past
Think of your past traumas as the Army of the Dead which would never rest until…
Imagine seeing a man repeatedly crossing the same road every day knowing he will fall in the same uncovered manhole as he did yesterday only to do it again tomorrow.
Similarly, dwelling on the past is like repeatedly crossing the same road every day, fully knowing you will fall into the same uncovered manhole every darn time.
Unfortunately, however, many people fall into the compulsion of dwelling on their traumatic past, despite making them more anxious and miserable in life.
But WHY?
What are the real reasons why people dwell on their miserable past despite it hurting them?
Let’s explore that…
Prologue:
The primary reason I decided to write this article is because I’m sick of hearing from people to “Just let it go” “Be in the present moment” or that “Past is past” or by far my favorite “Sh*t happens, move on”. Although nothing is wrong with these, it can be very toxic to those people who compulsively ruminate over their traumatic past. Because, to be honest, it’s hard to let the past go, especially if it leaves a painful mark in you.
Additionally, to gain a full understanding of the issue as well as understanding and empathy for those people who are suffering from this conundrum.
For those who are suffering from constantly dwelling on their depressing past and wanted to unravel the innermost reasons why, this article is for you :)
Firstly, before we dive deep into the innermost reasons why we keep dwelling on our traumatic past, let us first discuss what Rumination is.
‘The process or the act of dwelling on your past is called Rumination.’
Rumination
Rumination is when you’re stuck in a loop of repeated negative thoughts about the past, and you can’t seem to stop even if you want to.
“It’s a cycle of excessive worries in which we repeatedly return to the same negative thoughts,” explains Tanya J. Peterson, a mental health educator in Eugene, Oregon. “When we ruminate, we repetitively think about certain troublesome thoughts over and over again.”
There’s a difference between worrying about a problem and ruminating on the past, though. Peterson explains one easy way to differentiate them is to ask yourself if when you think about the past event you’re focused on possible solutions or lessons.
If you’re fixed exclusively on the negative aspects, it’s probably rumination.
“In rumination, we continue to obsess over the negative without working toward a resolution or way forward,” says Peterson.
Though, rumination is a behavior and not a mental health condition.
So what’s causing us to ruminate?
“The Past is Gone” But is it?
How often do you hear the phrase “the past is already gone”?
For me, almost every day. Not only do I often hear it from other people, but I also often read or see it on social media online imploring us to “stop dwelling on the past because the present is more important”.
And honestly, it always makes me feel like a stupid loser who can’t stop dwelling on his traumatic past; besides, it made me believe that there’s something wrong with me (in fact, I thought I’m the only one suffering from this).
Besides, how can these people easily let go of the past when here I am ruminating almost every single day?
And as I ponder, I realize…
Most often, the people who don’t know anything about us or our past tend to easily tell us that the past is gone. That it has no power over us anymore; that it’s not as important as the present.
Although they are correct, and I agree with them, in reality, letting go is way more difficult than we think it is.
Since, we who had experienced it, who have gone through it, lived it, and molded by it, cannot simply just let it go.
Given, how can you let something that you experience, something that caused you tremendous pain, threatened your survival, caused you traumas, gave you mental health issues, broke your heart, destroyed your dreams, lost your hope, made you hate or fear life, and changed you into someone you never imagined…
Let all that go so easily as what they expect us to.
Letting go isn’t as easy as dropping a stone into the river and forgetting about it afterward.
For instance, let’s say your parents or someone you deeply care for and love suddenly passed away (for example’s sake) and people keep telling you to “accept” what happened and let go because “things will get better”.
Would you be able to let go so easily and accept what happened?
Of course not. You will slowly heal as time goes on, but the pain will forever remain.
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
- Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
You see, the ‘past’ isn’t simply just a past, but a trauma, a disappointment, a broken heart, an unfulfilled dream or an unmet need, an abuse, a loss, an unpleasant experience, and so on.
It is something more than just a “past” rather it is a life you once had, a former you that you want to bury so badly but simply can’t.
It is a ghost of your former self haunting you everyday.
So yes, the past isn’t truly gone; it is always present and has always been here, constantly reminding us of what was and what could have been.
It Has Something Important To Tell You
Most of the time, (as I’ve realized) the past or our past isn’t here to make us suffer or scare us about the future, but rather…
To remind us or point us toward our unresolved problems or issues in the past that we need to address in the present.
Let’s face it…
We can’t ignore our problems and expect them to disappear.
Our unresolved traumas, pains, heartaches, etc. would not go away by themselves, and the more you run away from them the more they’ll chase after you.
As my father once told me “You can’t bury the living”
Besides, the past that still bothers us isn’t dead yet but is living deep inside of us awaiting the day when we are strong enough to face them once again.
There was a scene in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King…
They were once Men of the White Mountains, but at the founding of Gondor, they swore an oath to Isildur that they would fight for him. However, during the dark years, they had worshiped Sauron, and so when the time came and Isildur asked for their aid, they refused. And so Isildur cursed them to rest never until their oath is fulfilled.
Think of your unresolved past traumas as the Army of the Dead which would never rest until you call upon them and resolve them.
The past demands you to pay closer attention to your unresolved traumas instead of avoiding them, use it as a guide to point you in the right direction.
Not so long ago, I kept on ruminating about the time when people bullied me because of my body weight…
I was so skinny before (in my elementary and high school days), so it was inevitable for me not to get bullied. I was targeted by other kids preying on me, calling me a lot of names such as “Niwang” (a Bisaya word for scrawny) Skeleton, Mr. Bones, Stick Man, and so on, and even comparing me to a match stick, because of my scrawny body figure.
And it impacted how I view myself (even now) also my self-esteem, so much so that I learned to despise myself just for being skinny. And anything that reminds me of my body weight I learned to hate and despised as well; a match stick, a stick, other scrawny kids, etc.
Moreover, I felt that I’ll never be enough or will never be loved if I don’t gain weight.
I hated dwelling on it, but I can’t stop doing so, and I wondered why.
Then I came to realized…
The reason I keep on dwelling on it is because I haven’t resolved that issue yet. I’m still that skinny little boy who’s insecure of his own body and looks.
Despite not being as skinny as before (I gained more weight in my college days), I still constantly feel ashamed and embarrassed of my body.
Deep down inside, I still hated how I looked.
Besides, dwelling on the past is a way for my inner self to tell me that I still have this issue unresolved; and I need to resolve it otherwise it would keep bothering me regardless.
So, ask yourself…
What are the unresolved trauma(s) I had?
And together with acceptance and understanding, try to fix it.
You Have a Toxic Childhood
*Based on my experienced*
Does your parents constantly bring back traumatic and humiliating past experiences when scolding you? or perhaps when verbally abusing you?
Often, toxic parents use your humiliating and traumatic past experiences to scare or control you.
And that makes you ruminate more often (depending on how often you’ve gotten scolded or verbally abused).
And more likely you carry this toxic behavior growing up.
Thus, dwelling or ruminating became a habit for you. And you didn’t just realize it simply because to you it is a normal habit.
So, whenever you do something wrong you often scold yourself and compare yourself to what you did (or what happened) in the past telling yourself:
“You never learn” or “You are as just terrible as you were in the past” or “You can’t change” and so on.
Also, when you try to do something uncomfortable or something that you had never done before…
You often dwell over ‘what happened in the past’ reminding yourself of the traumas, humiliation, and disappointments you once had; and telling yourself that more likely this is what will happened whenever you try something again.
Besides, this conundrum can be so paralyzing to you and others.
So, instead of doing something to change your toxic habit you just ruminate.
You are Punishing Yourself
Yes, one of the reasons why you often dwell on the past (although you aren’t aware of it) is to Punish yourself for your past actions.
There are things in the past that you’ve done that you know or are aware that you shouldn’t do.
And because of your guilty conscience, you can’t simply shrug it off or forget about it. Besides, it haunts you even in your sleep, like a relentless ghost looking to get you.
So, to ease the pain and guilt…
You constantly revisit these traumatic memories to punish yourself because you feel like you deserve it.
It is a way for you to make amends.
So, by ruminating, you are punishing yourself for the wrong thing(s) you’ve done. Thinking you’re doing something to change it. But what you’re doing is simply punishing yourself by dwelling on your painful past.
Because, deep down inside, you truly regret what you’ve done, but you believe it’s already too late to right the wrong things you’ve made, the hurtful words you’ve said, and the traumas you’ve caused. That’s the reason you feel like you deserve the painful punishment you are doing to yourself.
You Have an Underlying Mental Health Issue.
Disclaimer: I highly recommend you please don’t do self-diagnosis of this one. Remember, “correlation does not imply causation” Just because you’ve got some of the symptoms doesn’t indicate you have a mental health problem; it is best to consult the professional(s) for a more accurate diagnosis. Thank you.
Although, rumination is not a disorder, it commonly occurs with various mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety, and OCD.
According to American Psychiatric Association “Rumination is one of the co-occurring symptoms found both in anxiety disorders and depression. It is often a primary symptom in Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. When people are depressed, the themes of rumination are typically about being inadequate or worthless. When rumination has a more anxiety-based theme, people tend to get stuck because the thoughts encourage the pursuit of answers to unanswerable questions and truths to unknowable truths.”
Additionally, rumination is also involved in the development and/or maintenance of a broad range of disorders, including post‐traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety disorders, insomnia, eating disorders, somatic symptom disorder, and substance use disorder.
Patients suffering from mental health problems often complain about thinking too much. Their mind is frequently focused on negative thoughts about their symptoms, problems, or negative experiences.
Hence, perhaps the primary reason you can’t stop dwelling on your traumatic past is that you have an underlying mental health condition that you are or have been ignoring.
This is probably why no matter what you do or how hard you try to stop ruminating, you still can’t, simply because rumination is a symptom of some larger or more serious problem.
Therefore, if you are feeling confident that you might (or if you already know) have a mental health condition/issue, it’s best to seek professional help right away.
It is better if there is a mental health professional (a psychiatrist or a psychologist) to check on you for much more accurate diagnostics. Please don’t rely on self-diagnostic as it can be detrimental to your mental health.
Besides, that’s what I’ve done before, and man! I thought I have all the mental illness in the world; I even thought I had a Dual Personality Disorder (clinically known as Dissociative Identity Disorder). But boy, I was wrong. Thankfully, I found the courage to go to a psychiatrist and she helped me pinpoint what condition I had.
Nevertheless, rumination or dwelling on the past is inevitable for all of us, since we are bound to our past experiences, as what my friend and batchmate in college Mark told me:
“The value of the future precedes in the past”
We need the past; in fact, our present self is merely a collection of our past experiences. Besides, the future is unknowable and terrifying, therefore, we look into our past to find guidance and learning; to equip us for what is to come.
P.S.
Remember, each of us is going through our own personal battles. However, it may be harmful and unwise to try to tackle these difficulties alone. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, In fact, it takes courage and strength to acknowledge that you cannot fight every battle alone :)
My utmost gratitude for taking the time to read this article. I know it’s a bit long, but I hope it provides you with valuable insights and understanding about yourself and others.
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(My thanks to Mark for giving me helpful insight in writing this article)
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